April Fools
by Seanchaidh
Summary: I'll just leave this here, shall I?


**I was falling asleep while writing parts of this, so if there is gobbledegook in here, tell me. At one point I sat up to find I'd typed the words "fright" and "anjou" with a few random letters between, so spell check might not necessarily have picked them up. I did proof read, but I have a habit of reading what I think I typed unless I leave it a day or two first and I didn't have that luxury this time.**

**Chronologically, this can go at any point in any verse: canon or my own. Some things may make more sense if this follows Heart of Magic, but it doesn't have to. See if you can guess why.**

**Enjoy! :)**

* * *

**April Fools**

"Thank you, again, for the lift," said Cassandra. "I hate travelling in here alone in the mornings."

"We should make it a regular thing," Eve replied, opening the door of the annex and following Cassandra inside. "I drive past your apartment every morning anyway. It makes sense that I pick you up."

"I know, I just hate feeling like I'm imposing."

"You're not! We girls ought to stick together here. We may be able to wrap all of those boys around our little finger when we want to, but they still outnumber us two to one!"

"I did enjoy not having them around last night, though," Cassandra laughed. "I don't think eighties chick flicks, painted toenails and face masks are really Ezekiel's thing!"

"Really? That's who we're thinking of there?" Eve grinned. "Not who you were talking about last night!"

"If you breathe one word..." Cassandra raised a hand in warning.

"Relax, I'm only teasing," Eve waved away the younger woman's feigned threats with a laugh. "All things spoken of last night are bound by the sacred confidences of the girly night in. No male shall ever hear of them! Yours or mine!"

The corridors descended toward the office and the girls grew quieter, keeping their discussion entirely on last night's chosen movie. An occasional laugh or giggle broke the quiet and echoed down the hallway, but it wasn't until they turned the last corner that they heard anything back in reply.

And it wasn't one of the boys.

"That didn't sound... good," said Cassandra slowly.

"That didn't sound human!" Baird corrected, drawing out her gun. "Wait here."

"No," Cassandra shook her head. "You go first, but I'm coming with you."

Keeping to the wall, the two women edged their way towards the door. They reached the window first, and ducked down to peer up over the edge. It didn't take long to find the source of the noise.

"There's a bear in there!" Baird hissed as they ducked back down, backs to the wall again.

"A bear with a sore head by the sound of it!" Cassandra added. "How?"

"Who knows!" Baird shrugged. "My money's on Jones. Whenever something goes weird, he's usually around."

"That's not fair!" Cassandra remonstrated. "He mistook one dragon lawyer for a pizza delivery guy, once!"

"And nearly destroyed the world and gave Dulaque the Library because of it!"

"Well he wasn't exactly expecting anyone else to turn up there!"

"And I'm ninety percent certain he stole that trophy in Chicago!"

"Oh, yeah about that..."

"And don't get me started on turning me into an electromagnetic ghost! You know I had to body snatch _him_ just to keep him from getting totally beaten up! That was not an experience I ever want to go through again! How anyone with legs that short can run that fast, I don't know!"

Eve's rant was cut short by another roar from the bear. This time there was another noise too. The girls looked up over the edge of the window again, scanning for the source of the sound.

"Up there!" Cassandra pointed up to the mezzanine. "It's a magpie!"

"Two of them," Eve said, pointing over at the top of a silver helmet sitting atop the card catalogue.

"I've got a bad feeling about this," said Cassandra, sinking down below the window again. "Are there definitely only two birds and one bear?"

"Yes," said Eve slowly, still watching through the window.

"Okay, thank goodness," breathed Cassandra.

"But you're going to want to see what's sitting under your chair..."

Cassandra bobbed up again and looked in the direction the Guardian indicated. There, curled up below her usual chair, one paw over its nose, was small, grey and white husky puppy. At a startled sound from Cassandra, it looked up, turning blue eyes directly on the girls. They dropped down out of sight again.

"Four animals?" Baird looked over at Cassandra. "Please tell me you don't think..."

"Jenkins does usually sound like a bear with a sore head when one of us really screws up," Cassandra replied, with an odd look on her face. "And magpies are known for their intelligence..."

"And thievery! One of them has to be Ezekiel. And the puppy..."

"Don't say it!" Cassandra raised a hand.

"He's under your chair, not mine!"

Cassandra groaned and closed her eyes. "What did they do? We left them alone for a day! Not even a day! One afternoon and one evening. One!"

"Is there anything in the clippings book?"

"I haven't looked at it since yesterday morning," Cassandra shrugged, pulling the book our of her purse. She opened it to the newest page. It was an advertisement for a circus, along with a series of newspaper clippings of missing persons adverts. "Oh, joy!"

"What?" Baird looked over her shoulder at the book and groaned. "Really?"

"How exactly do we even get there without going through the office?"

"We could take the old fashioned route, I guess," suggested Baird.

"It would take too long," said Cassandra, shaking her head. "We don't know what we're dealing with here. Time could be an important factor."

"What could we be dealing with here?" Baird frowned. "Have you ever heard of an artefact turning people into animals?"

"Not as such," Cassandra shrugged. "I know witches have done it in fairy tales, and

I remember a fairy wand being up on that chalkboard Jenkins wheeled out last time we got hit with fairy tale stuff."

"How much else do you remember? Did you get a good look?"

"Not really," she replied, focussing on the wall opposite. "There was the spear of destiny, Blackbeard's chest, the tree of Confucius, Sitting Bull's feather, Gaelic vampires..."

"Gaelic? Really? Aren't they from Transylvania or somewhere?"

"...The genie's lamp..."

"And it's never the genie's lamp."

"...Shakespeare's quill, leprechauns, interstellar wireless, the goose with the golden eggs, the pipes of Pan, reanimation elixir, the book of Thoth, Loki's spear, unicorn..."

"Not really, huh?"

"...Magic mushrooms, lilies, wand of fairies, Icelandic swans, trident of Poseidon, the golden fish scale, the Immortals, the Holy Grail, Tesla's death ray, the black mask, John Henry's hammer, the Libris Fabula, lantern of Diogenes, the singing sword of Conaire Mor, the mother goose treaty, Aztec smoking mirror, Cupid's bow, Aphrodite's girdle, Fenrir's chain, Homer's sandal, the telltale heart, Ozymandias' dream journal, sirens..."

"Okay, okay, I get the picture. All of those were for that problem though. Just focus on which of them are most likely to cause this one!"

"I don't even know what half of them are!" Cassandra admitted, her pitch rising. "I mean, I know what lilies are, but I don't think the ones I know have anything to do with the ones on that board! We know it's not the Libris Fabula: we have that. I don't see how a spear could cause this no matter who it belonged to or what it did in the past. But the Aztec mirror? Ozymandias' dream journal? Interstellar wireless? Leprechauns? Any one of them, and more, could cause who knows what kind of trouble!"

"We need more information," sighed Baird. "If they're all in there, at least Jenkins' lab should be safe."

"Should be," Cassandra agreed. "One tiny problem, though."

Baird looked round in confusion, then followed Cassandra's gaze downward. The puppy had somehow wriggled out of the office and curled up next to the redhead, its head on her knees and its eyes fixed unblinkingly on her face.

"Aw, bless!" Eve laughed.

"He's so cute!" Cassandra couldn't help laughing too.

"That wasn't the adjective you used las..." A sharp elbow dug into Eve's ribs.

"Help me up," said the Librarian. "Let's get to the lab."

Ducking past the window and door of the office, the puppy following close on Cassandra's heels, they crept away.

When they reached the lab, Eve closed the door behind them, waiting patiently as Cassandra's new best friend trotted along after her. The lab was tidy, as usual, but there were clear signs that someone had been working there recently, other than Jenkins. Cassandra leafed through the book that was open on the reading stand. It appeared to be a collection of hand-written research notes.

"The Frog Prince," she read. "The Black Bull of Norroway. The Well at the World's End. The Fate of Arachne. Latona and the Rustic Pool. There's a whole list of stories here, all with notes beside them. Each one seems to involve one or more people being transformed into some kind of animal."

"Any where they get transformed back into some kind of person?" Baird asked, looking round the rest of the lab. "Jenkins was the last person to use the lab, I think. Jones doesn't bother tidying up. Flynn has a different definition of tidy to everyone else on the planet. Stone at least tries, but he doesn't know where everything goes. This place is as neat as I've ever seen it. Only the items they might need left out where they can be easily found. That leaves Jenkins."

"The only one that sounds familiar is 'The Frog Prince'," said Cassandra. "I've seen the Disney version, 'The Princess and the Frog'. That had a much more romantic ending than this one. Apparently the frog only turned back into a prince when he was thrown against a wall by the selfish princess who refused to kiss him."

"That at least is more believable than the saccharine nonsense Disney spews out," said Baird. "Why would anyone want to kiss a frog?"

"According to this, because she promised she would if the frog retrieved her golden ball from the pond."

"So she broke a promise and it cost her the handsome prince?"

"Basically," she nodded. "The next one got reversed too, but only by the prince, this time in the form of a bull, winning a fight with his demon. And in 'The Well at the World's End' the prince, this time back to a frog again, makes a deal with a young woman who comes to draw water from the well but can't. He gets the water and she promises to marry him. In the end she kisses him and he turns back into a handsome prince."

"So she keeps her promise and it pays off," said Baird. "Great! So we've got kill, kick or kiss! How exactly do we find out which option will work? Because I really don't fancy trying any of them on Jenkins!"

"Really, I'd have thought the fact there's two magpies would worry you more. Kisses only work on people you're destined to be in love with. How exactly are you planning on telling Flynn and Ezekiel apart?"

"Oh that's easy," Eve breezed. "Whichever is first to steal something will be Ezekiel!"

"Kinda what magpies do," laughed Cassandra. "And Flynn's been technically 'stealing' things ever since he became the Librarian!"

"Ugh, I forgot about that," groaned Eve, sagging back against the desk. "I'll think of something. I'm sure I'll think of something. You'll think of something, won't you?"

"We could try sneaking through the door," suggested Cassandra. "Find out the situation on the other side. If they're all here, none of them will have switched it off. Maybe they managed to find out more there."

"Okay, but we leave the animals here," said Baird sternly, glaring down at the blue eyes peering out at her from behind Cassandra's legs. "And I'd advise against stepping backwards suddenly."

"Oh, I stopped doing that ages ago," said Cassandra with a dismissive wave of the hand. "Most of these seem to be curses of some description. As in one person with magical powers casting an evil spell on a less powerful person."

"I did not think you meant as in expletives, Cassandra," quipped Eve.

"So that means we should be super nice to everyone we meet," she continued. "And keep an eye out for anyone who seems like they have a short fuse and propensity to overreact."

"So like everyone around Jones then?"

"He's not _that_ bad," retorted the redhead.

"Maybe not to you," replied Eve, "but when it comes to everyone else..."

"He's saved us all more than once," persuaded Cassandra.

"And he's never going to let us forget it!" Eve pointed out. "That boy's luck is going to run out soon. I only hope I'm around to save him when it does!"

"Okay, but either way: the only way we're finding out more is through that door," said Cassandra, side-stepping round the pup. "Stay. Good puppy. Stay."

Following her lead, Eve grabbed the small pile of items that had been left on the bench by the bookstand, edged round the pup and towards the door. The girls shut the door quickly as the puppy realised what was going on and made a bolt for it. There was a scratching and whining through the closed door.

"Aw, he's adorable!" Cassandra giggled.

"You can't keep him!" Eve told her. "No matter how much of an improvement he might be!"

"I wouldn't go that far," Cassandra raised an eyebrow.

"I really didn't think you would," grinned Eve.

"Magpie," sing-songed Cassandra.

"I heard that!" Eve replied in kind.

"You were meant to!"

Eve threw her a look and led the way back to the office. The bear was now sleeping, curled in a corner behind Jenkins' desk. The two magpies were squabbling over something up in the mezzanine. Easing the door open, Eve waved Cassandra inside, then followed her, shutting the door as quietly as she could. Picking their way silently across the floor, the girls crept to the back door and edged it open, disappearing through the wormhole and closing the door of a circus port-a-loo behind them.

"Why is it always bathrooms?" Eve muttered.

"Maybe the door thinks it can hide better that way," shrugged Cassandra. "Nobody questions when a bathroom door is locked, they just assume someone is in there."

"Maybe," Eve sounded unconvinced. "They certainly don't seem to question when a bunch of people pile out of one. Let's just get this done."

The circus was spread out in an array of small tents and side shows, food vendors and games encircling the big top. In cages behind the main part of the camp, the animals lingered and paced. It appeared the circus was preparing to leave. Eve stopped a passing clown and inquired after the person in charge. The clown blinked at her sadly and unrolled a palm onto an invisible glass sheet. The first palm was followed by a second by its side. The palms walked their way up, down and along the glass, the sad, painted face tilted to stare, blinking mournfully, at Eve.

It's manner changed when she wordlessly pulled out her NATO badge and held it out at arm's length, well within the clown's side of the invisible glass box and barely an inch from its red nose. The clown clicked it's heels together and stood to attention, pulling off a salute Arnold Rimmer would have been proud of. With its free arm, it pointed toward a trailer behind the lions. The Colonel snapped her badge shut and, with a sharp 'thank you', turned in the direction of the trailer.

"I thought we weren't going to antagonise people?" Cassandra observed with a smile, walking beside her.

"I do not antagonise people," Baird replied, raising her hands. "I leave that to Jones. Anyway: the clown started it! He antagonised me!"

"He tried to make you laugh," grinned Cassandra. "That's surely not that annoying?"

"I already have one clown in my life trying to make me laugh, thank you very much," said Eve. "I'll take him over that painted mimic any day."

"You know, that's not the noun you use..." Cassandra fell silent at the glare from Eve, but couldn't quite stop the giggle that burst out a few seconds later. "Well, it's nice to see you stop being a soldier and be girly for a change!"

They reached the door of the trailer and Eve knocked. A slurring voice yelled something unintelligible. Whether it was 'go away' or 'come in' was anyone's guess. But Baird wasn't anyone, so she opened the door and entered without bothering to wonder what the occupant had actually wanted her to do. Lying stretched out on the cushions of the vehicle's one permanent bed, boots on and hat over face, was the ringmaster, resplendent in his rumpled red tailcoat. There was an empty half bottle of bourbon by his side.

"Whaddya want?" The question was slurred, but loud.

"We're looking for four men," said Baird, then reconsidered the sentence and added: "colleagues of ours. Little shifty guy, average height quiet guy, tall, skinny, loveable nerd who always talks too much except when he's actually saying something, and really tall white haired guy who looks bored with everything except vending machines. Ring any bells?"

"Yeah," slurred the ringmaster in reply, raising a hand to point, but not his hat. "Made a fuss about my animals. Got me shut down. I left 'em arguing with Tomasz, the trainer. Go yell at him!"

"I MIGHT JUST DO THAT!" Baird yelled back. She was sure even the hat winced.

"Oh you're not antagonistic at all!" Cassandra quipped. Raising her eyebrow at the Colonel as they left the trailer and headed back to the animals. "Maybe I should talk to the next guy."

In a round cage, facing a lion with a mane David Ginola would have been proud of, they found Tomasz. At a wave of the young man's hand, the lion lay down. He smiled at the bubbly redhead who fluttered her eyes at him and asked about his job and how he dealt with people who thought he was wrong. Ten minutes later, the two women walked away, Cassandra smirking while Eve glowered.

"We got the information we needed," Cassandra reminded her. "We know where they went."

"You were not supposed to get his phone number too!"

"I was just getting information about the case," shrugged Cassandra, innocently. "I can't help it if handsome young men feel the need to give me their phone numbers. It's not like I'm actually planning on calling him."

They walked onward through the tents and stalls to the entrance to the big top. There was a show still going on, the last of the day as it required the least clearing up afterwards. It was a magic show. As the central arena came into view, a scattered applause sounded. Cassandra and Baird paused, then Cassandra pointed up to where two white doves were fluttering up to a perch on the tightrope platform. They walked forward again and slipped into seats at the front. The big top wasn't packed. Many people had gone home when the animal welfare officers turned up. Those who were there, however, seemed to be enjoying the show.

The magician, The Great Prospero as he called himself, ignored their late entry and carried on with his act. Volunteers were chosen, although not Cassandra, no matter how high she waved her hand, cards were miraculously predicted, watches miraculously vanished, even an assistant popped up out of an empty box. All the old tricks, with a bit of glitter added. The act continued. Cassandra revelling in working out exactly how every one was done. Eve looked self consciously around her as her charge muttered answers nobody wanted to hear. Luckily there were so few people, and none that close to them, that nobody could hear her except Eve.

"And you call me antagonising!" Eve hissed to Cassandra. "Stop it! I'm trying to enjoy this!"

"Oh, but half the fun is working out how the trick is done!" Cassandra whispered back. "My father and I used to come and watch magic shows when I was little. Admittedly, he was trying to teach me about logic and reality not always being as it appears, but I used to go home at night with all these ideas. Once upon a time, when I was five, I think, I decided I wanted to be a magician when I grew up. I made up my own tricks and tested them out on my parents. My father treated them as an engineering project. He was glad I had come up with something so clever. My mother thought it was a waste of time, though. She said there was no money in magic, and that my engineering skills would be better tested on useful projects and challenges. She put the mirrors and props I'd made away and gave me five sheets of paper and some tape. She told me I could get the magic set back when I could build her a table with just those items that would hold fifty of her textbooks."

"And did you?" Eve asked, looking round.

"No," Cassandra shook her head.

"Well, you were only five..."

"I built one that held one hundred and fifty three."

Eve blinked and reminded herself who she was dealing with here. Of course she'd meet the challenge, and then some: it was Cassandra. She shook her head and remembered something else she'd meant to ask. "What was your trick?"

"Hmm?" Cassandra looked back round. The magician had temporarily stolen her attention.

"Your trick," said Eve. "The one your mother didn't like. What was it?"

"Oh that," whispered Cassandra, as if she'd just been reminded of a memo she'd left herself. "I chopped my hand off."

Eve blinked again. Readjusted again. "And your mother didn't like it," she said weakly. "I can't think why..."

"It was all just smoke and mirrors," shrugged Cassandra. "Literally!"

The act was finishing. The people spread widely around them were standing up. They were clapping. Eve and Cassandra stood up and joined them, watching for any sign of the magician.

They were disappointed. He had disappeared!

They slipped through the small crowd exiting the tent and headed back round to the trailers. Finding Prospero's was not a problem. They knocked.

"Go away!" Barked the stentorian voice on the other side of the door. "The Great Prospero does not sign autographs!"

"The Great Prospero better get his backside out here before I autograph his door with my foot!" Baird yelled.

The top half of door swung open almost faster than Eve could dodge it. Almost, but not quite. "State your name and intention," intoned the magician's deep voice.

"If you mean who am I and what do I want," retorted the Guardian, "the answer is Colonel Eve Baird, NATO counter-terrorism unit, and I want to know what happened last time you saw these men!"

Eve held out a photo of the six of them on her phone. The Great Prospero looked down, raised an eyebrow and looked back at the girls, glancing from one to the other.

"They had passed my way," he admitted ostentatiously. "I believe they caused a lot of trouble on the campsite about the animals here. You should probably talk to the manager, or their trainer."

"Talked to both of them," smirked Baird. "Wound up here with you."

"They interrupted my act," replied the magician, his high and mighty grin fading. "I sent them packing."

"Did you send anything after them?" Baird suggested, watching the man more closely this time. "Curses, monsters, amulets?"

"Those things have no basis in reality," sneered the man.

"Just in fantasy, right?" It was Eve's turn to smirk knowingly.

"I sent something far more real to chase them off!" The magician turned back into his trailer. "Vlad! Boris!"

Two large wolfhounds appeared beside him, one on either side.

"Now I'll tell you as I told them," said Prospero. "The only magic in my tricks is the stuff you all make up in your heads. I could not care less about how someone trains his animals, or how well behaved they are. That's basic biology, not magic. I do not fraternise with other members of the circus during show times. It breaks my character. Therefore, I would not know if there were any odd disappearances around here lately, because I do not hear the gossip. Unlike some I could mention, I have better things to do with my brain! Now get out before I give these four legged friends of mine free rein to chase you out!"

"But..." Cassandra started, but Baird pulled her back.

"Come on," sighed Baird. "We'll just have to come back later..."

When they were ten feet away, she heard the magician snort derisively and mutter, "go get 'em boys" to his dogs. There was a snarl and the sound of claws on trailer steps.

Cassandra and Eve broke into a run.

XXXX

The girls piled through the door still running, slamming it shut behind them before they even thought about the importance of letting sleeping bears lie. They looked anxiously around to Jenkins' desk.

There was no bear.

They turned slowly, dreading what might now be behind them. What they found was not what they had expected.

Wheeled out into the middle of the room, directly opposite the back door, was the chalkboard. Written on it in big, coloured in, bubble writing letters were the words "April Fool!" with the addition in smaller, normal writing in brackets below it that all the animals had now been returned to their respective owners. There was also an arrow pointing to a laptop open on the desk. They walked over. It was open at a video file. They played it.

It began with their entrance to the tunnels, including all the best, or worst depending on viewpoint, snippets of their very girly conversation as they descended to the office. It showed their reactions on discovering the animals, along with all of the conclusions they'd formed, or apparently jumped to in this case. It showed them in Jenkins' lab. It showed them leaving. It showed them returning and finding the board. It rolled up a message.

"Everything was filmed. EVERYTHING! It's on a secure cloud, that only I have access to. Any and all reprisals will result in it's being viewing by the person I judge you least want to see it. No animals were harmed in the making of this prank. The bear might have a bit of a sore head from the tranq. darts though! P.S. What have you got against mimes, Colonel? I thought I did rather well. Awesome, in fact!"

Cassandra counted down from five in her head. She got to two when Baird exploded.

"JONES!"


End file.
